Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Baby #2

I was going nuts with "Baby Fever" for a few months, so I kept coaxing my husband to have another baby. It would be great, if I got pregnant now, Aly would be 3 when the new baby came-enough age gap to not go crazy with 2 babies but close enough that they could be friends. So he finally gave it and I got injected and now, I'm freaking out. I'm in full out panic mode and I don't know why exactly. I love our little trio that we have, but I want Aly to have siblings. I'm also terrified that I'll have a boy. I know! I know! That makes me sound horrible and he's probably going to find this one day and hate my guts for it, but I'm afraid of little boys. They are like wild animals, at least in my head. I'm a Girl Scout leader- I know girls. My mom does Cub Scouts and her meetings are so much louder (at least until my girls turned into teenagers) and they want to hit each other and wrestle and rough house and I can't handle it. Go sit down and talk about 1Direction or The Hunger Games. Little boys pee on you or on trees, car tires, the cat, the bathroom wall etc etc. Then, there is the work involved, my husband wasn't much support the last time. I had been sick the whole time and could barely eat. I only had one craving the entire pregnancy, so when I asked him to make the 3 minute drive to the Sunoco and bring me ice cream at 9pm, he told me "no." When she layed on my sciatic nerve and made my entire leg ache, he told me that wasn't possible. Then, the colic, oh the colic! I'd sit on the edge of our Ed, rocking our baby while she screamed until 3am and he'd wake up in the morning, well-rested, and say, "so, how did Baby sleep?" Nope, I'm pretty much in the boat alone and I don't know if I can handle it. I also went nuts after she was born. I had ridiculous anxiety and was terrified to leave her. Then, when I resumed my surfing on the crimson wave, my hormones went insane and I was barely holding it all together. I hated my husband. Hated him. I'm pretty sure I told him that I wished he were dead, because of his inability to help. Harsh, I know, but, like I said, barely holding it together. It took nearly a year to normalize. No one wanted to give me anti-depressants. My husband thought I just needed to "toughen up." I feel really guilty for feeling this way, because I know so many people who struggled or are struggling or will struggle to get just one healthy baby and here I am, crying about the possibility of two. Then, I worry, completely irrationally, that if I am currently pregnant, that I will lose it, because I'm not excited about it. I know that it doesn't work that way, but what if, psychologically, it factors in? Then there is the whole twin thing. My aunt and uncle are twins. My husband's aunts are identical twins and his mom's cousins are identical twins. I went to 2 different psychics who told me I would have twin boys. Two babies when I'm afraid of one... I just keep telling myself, girl or boy, big or small, single or multiple, when I hold my baby(ies) it won't matter and all will be right with the world.


Diane said...

Oh, honey! I hate that you're suffering all this anxiety and that things were so rough for you in the beginning! Take a big, deep breath and trust that it will all be OK, no matter what happens. Based on what I know of the little boys in my life, they are as wonderful as little girls... they're just different (and smellier ;) ). You're going to be fine. Truly. This I know. Breathe. XO

Dyanne @ I Want Backsies said...

Don't borrow trouble. The best advice my mom ever gave me.