Thursday, November 28, 2013

Writer's Workshop- A Thanksgiving Memory

When my brother was married, he had a stepson, Allen, who was only 3 years younger than me. It was great fun to have a playmate (most of the time.) one Thanksgiving, I think it was '93 or '94 and I was 10 or 11, we had a gigantic blizzard. It was so bad that I could only go so far away from the porch before I got sucked into the snow drifts. My dad worked for the department of transportation, and was working from noon to midnight, so we ate dinner really early, so he could have his thanksgiving before going to work. Allen and I gobbled down our dinner and then jumped into our boots, hats, gloves, and coats and headed out to play. My brother built us an igloo and we played in there, had a snowball fight, built a fort and even made a "snow slide" out of a board we found, covered with ice (which ruined the back of my yellow coat.) We had a blast and played til we were frozen through and through.

That spring, my brother and Allen's mom got divorced and she eventually moved from Pennsylvania to Indiana with her family. I didn't really see Allen much after that. A few times, when he was 14 or 15 when he came with his mom to pick up my nephew for the summer, but never again was he my BFF.

Then, when he was 16, he hit black ice and rolled his truck, got out and walked for help and died that night from internal injuries. I remember sitting on the floor of my dorm room and crying. I was crushed. Even though we weren't close anymore, it felt like I lost a piece of my childhood.

Still though, when it snows on Thanksgiving, I still think of my friend, my partner in crime and smile and I hope that he is looking down and smiling, too.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Baby #2

I was going nuts with "Baby Fever" for a few months, so I kept coaxing my husband to have another baby. It would be great, if I got pregnant now, Aly would be 3 when the new baby came-enough age gap to not go crazy with 2 babies but close enough that they could be friends. So he finally gave it and I got injected and now, I'm freaking out. I'm in full out panic mode and I don't know why exactly. I love our little trio that we have, but I want Aly to have siblings. I'm also terrified that I'll have a boy. I know! I know! That makes me sound horrible and he's probably going to find this one day and hate my guts for it, but I'm afraid of little boys. They are like wild animals, at least in my head. I'm a Girl Scout leader- I know girls. My mom does Cub Scouts and her meetings are so much louder (at least until my girls turned into teenagers) and they want to hit each other and wrestle and rough house and I can't handle it. Go sit down and talk about 1Direction or The Hunger Games. Little boys pee on you or on trees, car tires, the cat, the bathroom wall etc etc. Then, there is the work involved, my husband wasn't much support the last time. I had been sick the whole time and could barely eat. I only had one craving the entire pregnancy, so when I asked him to make the 3 minute drive to the Sunoco and bring me ice cream at 9pm, he told me "no." When she layed on my sciatic nerve and made my entire leg ache, he told me that wasn't possible. Then, the colic, oh the colic! I'd sit on the edge of our Ed, rocking our baby while she screamed until 3am and he'd wake up in the morning, well-rested, and say, "so, how did Baby sleep?" Nope, I'm pretty much in the boat alone and I don't know if I can handle it. I also went nuts after she was born. I had ridiculous anxiety and was terrified to leave her. Then, when I resumed my surfing on the crimson wave, my hormones went insane and I was barely holding it all together. I hated my husband. Hated him. I'm pretty sure I told him that I wished he were dead, because of his inability to help. Harsh, I know, but, like I said, barely holding it together. It took nearly a year to normalize. No one wanted to give me anti-depressants. My husband thought I just needed to "toughen up." I feel really guilty for feeling this way, because I know so many people who struggled or are struggling or will struggle to get just one healthy baby and here I am, crying about the possibility of two. Then, I worry, completely irrationally, that if I am currently pregnant, that I will lose it, because I'm not excited about it. I know that it doesn't work that way, but what if, psychologically, it factors in? Then there is the whole twin thing. My aunt and uncle are twins. My husband's aunts are identical twins and his mom's cousins are identical twins. I went to 2 different psychics who told me I would have twin boys. Two babies when I'm afraid of one... I just keep telling myself, girl or boy, big or small, single or multiple, when I hold my baby(ies) it won't matter and all will be right with the world.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Writer's Workshop- old school songs

Stop over at Mama Kat's and join in!

The Prompts:
1.) An old school song that makes you happy.
2.) Something you’re thankful for.
3.) An outfit you love(d). (inspired by NaBloPoMo)
4.) A new favorite something.
5.) List 8 books you’ve read that you think everyone should read in their lifetime.
I was a teenager in the 90's. I grew up watching Carson Daly on TRL. I even went to Time Square and stood outside when we were on a trip to NYC. It was pretty cool. Even though it doesn't feel that long ago, the 90s started almost a 1/4 of a decade ago. So, I guess it is old school.
I listen to a station who's tag line is: "80s, 90s, 2K and Today!" Then they played this one day and I almost lost it.

"Tubthumping" came out the summer after 7th grade and it was crazy and weird, but soooo catchy. We would jump around and run into stuff when they sang, "I get knocked down, but I get up again!" Silly, I know, but I was 13. When they played it, I got the overwhelming urge to fall down, but then I realized that I'd spend the whole rest of the song trying to get back up. Let's face it, I'm not 13 anymore.

Then, there was this song:

Our choir director let the seniors sing this at our last spring concert. We rocked it. It will always remind me of high school.

And speaking about graduation, I can't listen to this song without bursting into tears.

Even though it makes me cry, it makes me happy, because it reminds me of simpler times. I had few heartbreaks, I'd never had to work and I was on the cusp of a new lie at college.

Now, pass me a tissue and I'm going to go pull out my yearbook and reminisce about the "good ol' days."

Mama’s Losin’ It

Monday, November 18, 2013

Marriage. Let's take this seriously, folks.

My husband and I first met when I was in 9th grade and he was in 8th, but didn't really get to know each other then. We met again when I was in 11th grade and he was in 10th. I told him that if he was ever homeless that he could live in my basement and he said, "why do I have to sleep in the basement? Why can't I sleep with you?" and I responded with, "because my husband won't like that." looking back, it was a pretty bitch move, but in my 17 year old eyes, I couldn't, COULDN'T marry my first boyfriend. We broke up that year and started dating other people. Then we worked in the same grocery store and we tried to rekindle, but it never went anywhere. We both got new jobs and didn't see each other for a year or so. Then, randomly, I messages him on ICQ when I was a sophomore in college. We dated on and off, it were never official. We dated other people,we came back to each other. Repeatedly. Finally, at the end of August, my first weekend back on campus, after spending most of my summer vacation with him, we became official. That was in August 2005. We moved in together in September on 2006 and got engaged on Virginia Beach that same month. We' planned to get married in October on 2008, but my dad got sick and passed away, so we postponed until June of 2009 and I finally walked down the aisle. We first met in 1998, first dated in 2001, started dating for the last time in 2005.

 I told you that story to tell you this story. My nephew is 20. He lived in a different state between age 17-19 with his mom. He just moved back here in February. He came home, "engaged" to his high school girlfriend, started talking about dating my bff's cousin, dumped the fiancĂ© for the cousin, they exchanged rings and he dated her until the beginning of October, dumped her for another girl and within a week or so, ditched that girl for another girl, who according to his Facebook, has been dating since October 14. Then tonight, he changed his status on Facebook to engaged. What is that? 4.5 weeks?! I really wish someone would just go around and punch people in the face for being stupid. This is AT LEAST his second engagement in the last 2 years. I'm not sure if the rings he exchanged with the cousin was engagement or not. It's so exhausting, because this should be a bigger decision. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Writer's Workshop- I'm a mom

I can't believe it's Thursday again. During the week, I think of something I should write here and then before I know it, it's Thursday and I can pick a topic at Mama Kat's Losin' It. Join in the fun here!

Okay, so I started this yesterday and didn't finish, so now it's FRIDAY. I'm still going to do this, because I really want to write about becoming a mom.

The Prompts:
1.) If I could live in any era of history, what would it be — list 10 reasons why.
2.) You know you’re a mom when…
3.) A blog post inspired by the word: weather
4.) Something you’re thankful for this week.
5.) The meaning of your name…does it suit you?
You know you're a mom when:
You suffer through horrible morning sickness, sciatica, insomnia, swollen ankles (and a lot of other things that I've probably blocked out) and your major concern isn't for yourself, but for another person.

You forget everything. All the pain, the anxiety and the distress that you didn't get to have the birth you had planned on. You forget all the bad in the world. You forget all the people who hurt you, because your heart is filled with more love than you know what to do with

You love another person more than you love yourself

even when you're exhausted

and you can't remember what life was like before they came into the world, because they are your world.

Your heart hurts when you are away from them and your only thought is, "I want to go home and hold my baby." I never understood mothers who did that before I was one. I don't get all giddy about holding babies, I never did and still don't, but I wanted to hold Aly all the time. And kiss her, I couldn't.stop.kissing.her.

Your own life becomes less important. Your birthday doesn't matter. Their experiences are much more important than your own. You love selflessly, in a way you've never experienced.

Motherhood is a journey that is littered with poopy diapers, tears, exhaustion, desperation ("Please, baby, go to sleep!"), and the most amazing indescribable love.

You are filled with hope. Will she be a doctor, a lawyer, a dancer, a chef? Will she follow her dreams? Will the world see the amazing person who I know?

You wonder when your baby grew up and cherish each tiny moment, each cuddle, each giggle because they are only little for awhile.
Mama’s Losin’ It

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Writer's Workshop- Pennsylvania Girl

Stop over at Mama Kat's to join in!

1.) Something you were wrong about.
2.) A funny text change.
3.) Write a 16-line poem about a moment from your childhood that changed your life for the better.
4.) List 8 best reasons you love living in your state.
5.) Listen. Write about what you hear, right now.

I'm a (Western) Pennsylvania girl. My husband has debated on moving to Ohio or Maryland for work, but I have no desire to leave. Pennsylvania is great! Here's why:

8. The history! The only battle George Washington ever lost happened in Western Pennsylvania at Fort Necessity. It's also the home to the Whiskey Rebellion, Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater and sadly, the plane crash on 9/11. That's just on my side of the state. Go east and you run into the the former US capital and all the history involved there.

7. Hershey, PA. I mean, who doesn't appreciate a chocolate themed town?

6. Our Amish people have a sense of humor! Well, I mean, they must when they name their towns Intercourse and Blue Balls. I saw a great local musical once and some of the songs were "Take the Horse to Intercourse," "Living in an Amish Paradise" and "Harvest Queen."

5. Education is decent. Education majors are required to have a 3.0 to graduate with an education degree and teachers get treated better than in some neighboring states, so kids get a better education (although it still has it's flaws.)

4. Seasons. The leaves just changed and now they are falling off the trees. I love the *crunch, crunch* noise that my feet make when I walk through the yard. Our summers have been hotter than usual, but never as bad as when I was at Disney World in July. While I do dislike snow, I like snow days!

3. Sports Teams. It doesn't matter if you like sports or not, if you're born on the western side of PA (We Pennsylvanians almost always refer to it as "PA") you are a Steeler fan, a Penguins fan and a Pirates fan (how 'bout them Buccos?!? Raise the Jolly Roger! I mean, what other team can lose for 2 decades and still have die hard fans?)

3b. Troy Polamalu

2. Pittsburgh is hopping! A zoo, science center, the Heinz History center, the cultural trust, concert venues, movie filmings (Adventureland was filmed at Kennywood Park, a summer tradition!) Andy Warhol museum, bridges, inclines, oh my! Plus, UPMC hospitals is a top notch medical center.

1. It's home. My family is here, my friends are here and I'm happy to stay here.

Monday, November 4, 2013

American Girl Doll Giveaway

When I was in first grade, I spotted a book in the library display called, "Meet Samantha." I was so excited, she had my name!" I wanted to read it, but it was only for 3rd grade and up, but the librarian told me that I could read them if I sat down and read it to her first, so she knew I could handle it. So I did. I nailed every word except "bleed." I said "bled." So I happily trotted home. It wasn't long until I had my mom buying me my own copies of them and I'd read them all (There were originally 3, although Felicity came out soon after I started reading them.) Kirsten was my favorite. I loved her Saint Lucia story and when her friend died on the boat from cholera, it devastated me.

Then the catalogs came.

omg, they have dolls. For the low low price of just $1000, you can have the complete collection. Can you believe that my parents said "no." Pfft. My mom told me recently that if I would have taken better care of my toys that they would have gotten one for me. I wonder if that deal still stands?

Well, I have a chance at winning one for my Baby girl! One of my favorite bloggers, Last Mom, is co-hosting an American Girl Doll giveaway!!! Stop over here for your chance to enter!