I think I have PTFD

PTFD- Post-traumatic Fat Disorder

I've come to terms with my weight. Would I like to lose some? Absolutely! But I don't hate myself because of it. However, clothes shopping can make my embrace waiver and it goes back to growing up.

I didn't know plus-sized stores existed. I didn't think that they sold jeans to fit me (and I was an 18 then!) Okay, I take that back. I knew jeans with elastic waistbands fit me, but those are old lady jeans. So, instead of jeans, I wore stirrup pants. Cuz, you know, that was waaaaayyyy cooler than old lady jeans. But they fit.

I'm okay with top shopping, but when it comes time to get bottoms, I panic. They have to be *just right* and never, ever have elastic waistbands, because I'm still not old. My husband's grandfather wanted to buy me jeans for Christmas one year, so I told him what size and that I didn't like elastic in the waistband. His old bitty of a girlfriend went shopping for him and bought me jeans with an elastic waistband. When I asked for the receipt to return them, she said "When someone is your size, they have to have elastic waistbands!"  Screw you, bitch. None of my other jeans do and they are my size.

I'm really freaking out now though and dealing with body image issues because of my pregnancy. With my daughter, I lost 18 pounds and didn't start to gain until my 3rd trimester, so my pants fit me well into summer. I didn't need to buy pants until it got warm, so I bought several pairs of cotton capris with elastic waistbands (which is okay, it's just jeans that give me trouble.) Well, now this is baby number 2 and I popped out way sooner and even though I did lose 15 pounds, it's already coming back (thankfully, very slowly) and I've found myself in unbuttoned blue jeans with 2inches of snow on the ground.

I refuse to buy fat pants. 

Letter to my Second Child- Gender

My Dearest Baby,

I'm going this afternoon for my anatomy ultrasound and will hopefully find out if you are a girl or a boy. That is assuming that you'll show us, because you are quite the spunky little mover and enjoy kicking me hard in the bladder. I have a feeling that you are a boy and, I shouldn't tell you this, but that scares me some. Not that I love you any less for it, because I love you and your sister more than anything; but because I don't know how to raise a boy. I'm a girl, I have a girl, I'm a Girl Scout Leader, most of my friends are girls. I know girls. I don't know boys, so how can I raise you without you feeling hurt or left out if I can't relate to you.

I know I'm probably over thinking this (which I usually do) because women everywhere raise boys- single child boys, boys with brothers, boys with sisters, boys with both brothers and sisters... and they turn out okay.

I guess it's not so much having a boy, it's my fear of being able to raise a boy to be a man. Because honestly, not all boys grow up to be men. I want to raise you to be respectful, but not afraid to express yourself. I want you to treat women gentlemanly, but I don't want you to look at them as weaker and needing to be submissive to you. I want you to learn to listen to others' thoughts, concerns and opinions and care about how they feel. I want you to date "nice girls" and not skanky ones that you only date so you can bang them in the backseat of the car (which will probably be the 1994 Escort, because that thing is never going to die.) I want you to have passions and interests and follow your heart. I want you to be driven and motivated. I don't want your world to be ruled by beer, or cigarettes or god-forbid, drugs. I want you to be strong enough and convicted enough to say no. I want you to be able to say no to your friends when you don't agree with what they are doing.

I want you to be close to your sister and trust each other and support each other. I want you to grow up and talk on the phone or go out to lunch with each other. Your uncle was grown by the time I was born, so that's a dynamic I don't understand, so how can I teach it to you?

I hope I do right by you, baby. I want you to know how special you are and I hope I can help you grow into the man you're meant to be.

Love, Mom.