I think I have PTFD

PTFD- Post-traumatic Fat Disorder

I've come to terms with my weight. Would I like to lose some? Absolutely! But I don't hate myself because of it. However, clothes shopping can make my embrace waiver and it goes back to growing up.

I didn't know plus-sized stores existed. I didn't think that they sold jeans to fit me (and I was an 18 then!) Okay, I take that back. I knew jeans with elastic waistbands fit me, but those are old lady jeans. So, instead of jeans, I wore stirrup pants. Cuz, you know, that was waaaaayyyy cooler than old lady jeans. But they fit.

I'm okay with top shopping, but when it comes time to get bottoms, I panic. They have to be *just right* and never, ever have elastic waistbands, because I'm still not old. My husband's grandfather wanted to buy me jeans for Christmas one year, so I told him what size and that I didn't like elastic in the waistband. His old bitty of a girlfriend went shopping for him and bought me jeans with an elastic waistband. When I asked for the receipt to return them, she said "When someone is your size, they have to have elastic waistbands!"  Screw you, bitch. None of my other jeans do and they are my size.

I'm really freaking out now though and dealing with body image issues because of my pregnancy. With my daughter, I lost 18 pounds and didn't start to gain until my 3rd trimester, so my pants fit me well into summer. I didn't need to buy pants until it got warm, so I bought several pairs of cotton capris with elastic waistbands (which is okay, it's just jeans that give me trouble.) Well, now this is baby number 2 and I popped out way sooner and even though I did lose 15 pounds, it's already coming back (thankfully, very slowly) and I've found myself in unbuttoned blue jeans with 2inches of snow on the ground.

I refuse to buy fat pants.