Monday, May 19, 2014


Life is full of milestones: first steps, first words, first day of preschool, preschool graduation, first date, first kiss, first day of high school, getting your licenses, high school graduation, going to college, graduating from college, turning 18, turning 21, turning 30, getting married, getting pregnant, having your first baby, having your other babies etc. The list goes on and on.

I wanted 3 kids. I thought about how full my kids' lives would be if they were a trio. I told my mom that it would be nice because if one turned out to be a jerk, they'd still have the other one. She laughed, figuring that I was referring to my older brother.

I also didn't want this to be my last pregnancy with all its milestones: last time "trying" (which doesn't take a lot of time for us), last first positive pregnancy test, last second, third, fourth... ahem... tenth positive pregnancy test, last surprise announcement, last first ultrasound, last time finding out the gender, last time someone will kick inside my belly, last time that a hospital stay will ever be like a vacation, last time counting someone's age in days... you get the idea.

I'm so frustrated with this pregnancy and the care I've gotten. The one doctor has been very rude. They won't let me VBAC. They're sending me to Magee Hospital for ultrasounds rather than doing them in the office for a bunch of bullshit reasons. One of them being that since I had to do an anatomy scan there (because the baby wouldn't roll over so the tech could get her spine), so the doctor told me that since I had a growth ultrasound at Magee, then I have to get all my growth u/s at Magee because they have a different growth scale. Sounds ridiculous to me.  Magee is at least an hour away, more depending on traffic. I have a job, yo.

I failed my one hour glucose test and have to go for the 3 hour now. My blood pressure was high. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed after this. I'm not bonding well with this baby now and I'm just a hot mess. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. I'm filled with dread about another c-section. I don't feel anything positive in any of this. "Here I am, once again, I'm torn into pieces."

I think it's time to consider a tubal ligation.


Dyanne @ I Want Backsies said...

If it helps at all, the second c-section isn't nearly as bad as the first one. Maybe because you know more about what to expect? Chin up, my friend! Will be thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way.

Anonymous said...

This is why your docs are reluctant to do vbac- real risk of uterine rupture. Stories with the link, from a pro-NCB midwife, no less!

Sam_I_am said...

I'm not pushing for a vbac. All I ever said was that I wanted to consider it. After all, the maternal death rate is 2x as high during a repeat c-section than during a vbac.

Anonymous said...

I hope you do some reading on this. Two times higher than what? Vaginal birth, no C? It doesn't mean you are "twice as likely to die from a CS." Talk to a doctor, please!

Sam_I_am said...

I have done my reading, thank you. Maternal DEATH rate during a VBAC is about 1.5% (and I'm aware there are other risks, like uterine rupture, but that's not DEATH). The maternal death rate in a repeat c-section is 3% from operation complications and such. So let's do our math. 1.5x2=3. Therefore, the maternal DEATH rate from a repeat c is twice as high as the maternal death rate from a VBAC.

Sam_I_am said...

Oh, and I urge you to reread my first comment. Because apparently, in addition to math, you suck at reading as well. I said I'm NOT pushing for a VBAC. Not... so I really don't know why you have your big ol' maternity panties in a bunch, honey.

Kathy said...

I really hope that you have found a way to be calm and de-stress. That is one of the most important things.

My own experience? I had two c-sections and everything turned out just fine - mother and babies all healthy. I found the second time far less stressful since I had already experienced it.